Right now, I’m all about Lemonade!
Seriously, I got Lemonade for days and I’m keen to share it around. I got so much Lemonade everything tastes, smells and looks like amazing delicious Lemonade.
But where did this Lemonade come from?
If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m not talking about Beyonce’s Lemonade (let’s not get me started on that, because I seriously still don’t get it); I’m talking about Life Lemonade.
Things feel good. Contentment is at an all time high, and I’m feeling up for any and all challenges. I got Life Lemonade and I’m not sure if it’s because I got lemons and I made the Lemonade, or is Life just being kind to me and giving me Lemonade straight up?
What comes first now?
A few months ago, I did have Lemons. I do know that.
I then upheaved my life, worked hard to rejig and eventually I made Lemonade out of those specific Lemons. But that’s not to say I’m still making Lemonade because right now I think I’m all out of Lemons. I feel like right now I’m not working at all.
Holy shit, I don’t know when the last time was that I said that.
My ever persistent fight against my mental illness seems to no longer be a fervent fight that has me ever-on-guard. My daily efforts, for the first time in the LONGEST TIME is as easy as waking up in the morning (and remembering to pop a greenish-blue capsule).
I feel* like I’ve been up for so long, maybe I’ll never come down.
It’s scary and wonderful to think that I’m not on the look out for the next spiral. I suppose it’s coming. I know it’s coming. And if history has anything to say about it, I know it will be worse than the one before, because that’s how it always is. It always gets worse. It always comes back with vengeance. It always comes back more cunning and brutal than the time before…. but right now, I don’t think I care.
That’s not right. Deep down, I do care. I do.
But I feel so good, I just want to revel in it. I want to roll around like a pig in mud, caking every nook and cranny of my life in with this lightness and sense of contentment that I feel.
Is it too much of a good thing?
It is honestly the best feeling. I haven’t felt like this since August 2008 and this time I felt it building up. I missed it last time, but this time I’ve been mentally present for the crescendo. I feel strong, powerful, and confident. I was pleased and secure in what I’ve been feeling, until I sat with my psychologist today.
Apparently it is not all sunshine, happiness and rainbows. Apparently there are questions about my current wave of happy living.
I thought it was just the new medication, I thought it was because I finally found The One for me, I thought it was because Prozac was my missing piece, but apparently I may have been mistaken. A new element has potentially been added to my equation, a new potential monster hiding in the dark. Scratch that, a new potential monster hiding in the light. Today I was warned that I could be manic.
I am not too sure what it all means right now, and what I’m supposed to do about it. Just be aware? Keep vigilant? I don’t know.
Can I pass?
The irony is funny, even if it’s happening to me.
I’ve been desperately pursing ‘happiness’ for years and years on end and now that I have achieved it, I may be going too far. Happiness may be dangerous in itself.
Sigh… such is the comedy of life.
I think for now I’m just gonna pass on caring. I got Lemonade and I want to enjoy it. I’m schedule to see my psych in another month, I’ll unpack this new ‘hazard’ then. Who knows, she didn’t say I was manic, but that I could be. Why freak out over what hasn’t happened yet… or what I don’t know is happening yet.
*NB: It Just feels that way. …i know it is not the way it actually is.