I came back to this blog because I felt compelled to write again. I needed to process the collective circumstances of my life without making excuses, and while therapy assists with the processessing, there is only so much I can do in an hour and only so many hours I can reasonably pay for. Which brings me back to why I cam back to this blog, I want is to make peace with myself.
Over the last four days I’ve attempted writing this post at least six times; each time I scrapped the lot and started again. My struggle with this post is that what is on my mind relates to other people, and in a bid to not anger or offend, everything I wrote ended up as jumble of cryptic crap.
Right now, despite the good days, I am at war with myself. I am in the trenches mentally and emotionally.
BATTLEFIELD ONE: There is the fractured relationship with the mountain – and while this is definitely on the mend, I’m conscious that winter is waning, and future free weekends are scarce. I want to seize each day, but adulting requires a reshuffling of priorities, and not to mention money is always a frustrating factor.
I worry that my prudence will see the remaining opportunities of this winter pass me by.
BATTLEFIELD TWO: There was the breakup - which doesn't make the preceding flare up of depression and anxiety any easier. Without sounding like I don't mourn the memories, I am conscious that while it is sad and disappointing, it has given me some release. There is new unallocated energy that I had always paid to someone else, now free to invest in myself, on healing my heart, as well as my mind. And given the cost of getting this energy back, I want to spend it well.
Recently, when I have my bad moments and my bad days, I am no longer looking over my shoulder, looking for who I wanted to have there to help me. I am unshackled of that consequential vulnerability. Now I remind myself I was enough before, I’ve carried myself through worse, and I will find a way for myself to break through again.
BATTLEFIELD THREE: There continues to be endless sleepless hours every damn night - I am so desperate for uninterrupted sleep that on top of my prescribed medication, I've started adding on numerous natural and herbal remedies.
Last night I only wrestled three and a half hours from the night.
A Shift in Perspective
Over the weekend, while answering questions abut the breakup to a family member, I had what Oprah calls an "Aha" moment. My “Aha” was a moment of defining honesty.
This moment has shifted my perspective, and I can't say I came off looking very good from my new vantage point. The facts and figures all remain the same, but the story in between has blurred and bled. I not saying the fault all lies with me, but I now realise I was not as careful and empathic as I tried to be. This realisation was startling and confusing, and unfortunately it shut me down.
Literally, it shut me down. I barely moved for the next 36 hours.
The best I can do to describe it is that during those hours of immobility, it was updating software, searching out errors and bugs and trying to reboot...
During those lost hours I was diverting my energy, my focus into understanding what was my responsibility, and grasping what I now view as my cruelty and disregard and uncover its adverse impacts.
I don’t know why I shut down, whether it's a weakness of mine or whether it is a way to manage my way-through something confronting while juggling my depression. At the time, it felt like my battery drained and I was running on reserves. With only so much energy, I had no more to give to anything else but my thoughts.
It wasn't until the 36 hours was up that I realised what energy I did have, I had to be put to better use. I had to apologise, not to assuage guilt but to fulfil my shirked responsibility.
The Turbulent Lullaby
Oddly enough, during my Shut down, I managed to sleep more than I have in weeks. It seems accepting responsibility, while painful, soothed me to sleep those two nights. Unfortunately, taking responsibility is only the first step, it is not the same as making peace. So since then I have returned to lounging around through the 2, 4, and 5 a.m.’s.